Of all things in this life....playing the victim will get you nothing but more pain. Playing the victim allows you to stay in the cycle. Don't get me wrong....you do play the victim sometimes...it's human nature. And I have been guilty...but I am learning (through some intense weekly therapy) that playing the victim will never serve you well. It will never be a stepping stone out of this trap. So feel it, dust yourself off and GET UP.
I could easily blame him for all of this pain, loss, damage. Because let's face it.....he caused it. But I was not innocent. I walked, hand in hand, with him into this lion's den. I saw the flags, I refused to respect them or myself, and I walked in.
When the relationship hit its first crash and burn, I should have walked out. I should have known that this was not going well and gotten out.
So why did I stay? That is the million dollar question. Why. Did. I. Stay.
Like I mentioned before, I felt love for this man. I truly was in love with him. I believed that this was meant to be and anything worth having is not going to always be easy. So if one of us is struggling, the other one has to pull some extra weight. That's what it's about, right? Please never fall for this.
If someone is going through a tough time, sure, pull some extra weight. If someone is treating you like dog shit, let them go. I wish that I would have let him go.
God, I wish I had let him go. Why didn't I walk away?
Here I sit two years later. A broken woman. A woman who may never trust a man again. A woman who cringes at the thought of another relationship. A woman who cries every day over a loss....losing something she never even had. A woman who is in fear. Every single day there is fear. Why is there fear? Because I still have an unhealthy attachment to him.
I am still stuck in this cycle. I get nothing good from it. Not one thing. He benefits everything. And he keeps me just close enough to keep using me for his good.
So why is this blog even in existence? Because for me, writing is healing. Putting the facts of the situation in writing, in black and white, in front of me, may help me wake up.
I want to wake up. I want him to be a distant memory--or nightmare, as my mom calls it. I want him to be gone and not a part of my daily life.
But I continue to allow it. I DO THIS. I ALLOW HIM TO HURT ME. I am not playing the victim in this blog. I accept full responsibility for my situation. My current pain is because I allow him in to hurt me. This is not his problem, this is my problem.
And what will I do about it? I am working to stop. Nothing drastic. Nothing loud or obnoxious. Just to stop. To not text him, to not respond, to not go to his house, to not tell him about my day. Those are the behaviors, or physical actions, that have to stop. But the underlying issue is the feelings associated with those behaviors. I am now the proud owner of an anxiety disorder. I have a skewed sense of self worth that is now tied to him and his approval of me. My every moment is questioned. I wake up thinking about him and fall asleep thinking about him.
They say, whoever they is, that the physical part of the addiction is the easier part to break. It's the emotional part that will get ya. And that is so right. I have made it (and how sick that I call it "made it") three months without him. Without calling/texting/emailing. But all it took was him reaching out to me and I was right back in it. Damn it.
Everyone is tired of hearing me cry about what he did this time. "Why do you keep letting him do this to you?" Don't you think I would stop if I could? He tells me that I am the stupidest smart person he knows. Boy is he right.
I have lost so many friends because they just couldn't keep hearing it. I so wish I could stop living this. I want out. Please believe that I want out. I just don't know how.
Thursday, March 28, 2019
I innocently walked in...
When I think back to the days of the beginning... I think of the person I was before I was changed.
Let me introduce you to that person. Her name is Joy.
She was 38 years old. Her marriage was ending and she felt amazingly confident in her decision to walk away.
There was a child that was brought into the world during this marriage....and that was a huge factor in what kept her in the marriage for as long as she stayed. But was she ever truly happy in that relationship? No. But she knew that walking away, ending that chapter, and starting new with her mini was the best choice for the both of them.
This new life brought so much change, and challenge, and fear. But she was walking through it. A new living situation (renting a three bedroom duplex that was way too expensive) and a new way of living as a single parent--sharing this little girl with a man that never had time for her before. It was scary.
As most newly single 30-somethings do....she started online dating. Do you even know what a shit show that can be?
Initially it felt invigorating! So many options opening up on the other side of that screen. Wow! Being wanted and desired is so cool! It gives this false sense of belonging...it is all fake.
No one was really worth mentioning, until she met him.
He presented himself as everything she ever wanted. He was attentive and understanding. He listened. He cared about her life and what was going on. He wanted to share everything with her. He made her feel important. He made her feel beautiful. He made her feel loved.
Let me tell you how he introduced himself: divorced dad with four children. Owned his home (even though it was is the middle of a huge renovation). Worked full time and made a decent salary. Owned his vehicle. In his divorce he lost a half million dollar home, and a business that made a million dollars a year....but he was rebuilding his life and offered so much promise. He wanted exactly what she wanted! They were both seeking for--and found their happily ever after.
She fell in love. And fast. But so did he. So he claims.
They fell quickly into a whirlwind romance. There were no awkward moments. Their time together was pure bliss. They both declared their love and committed to making this romance go for the long term. They would be combining families. Supporting each other through the hard times (and there were some hard times-or outside influences). This felt so right. So real.
The relationship "officially" began on October 28, 2017. Or that's when she started counting. He always said it was earlier. Nothing but love shared...she walked in to flower petals lining the floor in her town home after work. Flowers on the table every week. His love was so amazing and powerful. She never felt anything like it! This was the real thing! It just had to be! The children between the two of them were immediately brought into the relationship. Why not?! They knew this was going to be forever....why put this big step off for later when they knew what was going to come?
This whirlwind time of perfection and bliss was fast but felt so good. Good enough to wear the blinders and run with him.
She started seeing red flags flying in every direction....but she refused to believe it. She refused to believe that this amazing man that appeared in her life just a few weeks ago was anything but her soul mate. Her friends began feeling concerned. Trying to make her step back. Even her ex-husband reached out with concern for her and their daughter. But they didn't know what they were talking about. They didn't feel the love that was between them. They didn't understand the life connection that was made. They couldn't know....
SHE SHOULD HAVE TRUSTED HER GUT.
In the span of six weeks....this amazing romance crashed and burned. And she was the casualty.
Everything that she fought to become....
Everything that she was proud of....
Everything that she was....
Gone.
How do you even put into words the damage caused by a mentally ill man? How do you even explain the level of damage that is caused by mental, verbal and emotional abuse?
When the relationship started to deteriorate almost overnight, she was clinging to him. She was clinging to saving this relationship that they both committed to sharing-nurturing-building-loving. She was fighting for the promises that he made. The promises for their future. She told herself that this was worth fighting for. He was worth fighting for.
On December 12, 2017, the social media "Remember this day...." tells us that she posted:
"And she'll continue to smile no matter how hurt she is." She was hurting. He made her feel that hurt. His actions, behaviors. words made her feel this hurt.
What happened? How did this strong, confident woman fall so hard and so fast for a man that could shatter her so harshly and so quickly? He loved her, right?! He wouldn't intentionally hurt her!? She must have done something terribly wrong. She must not be loving him the right way. She has to fix it and fast.
She was a sitting duck for this monster of a man to seek/attack/kill.
Let me introduce you to that person. Her name is Joy.
She was 38 years old. Her marriage was ending and she felt amazingly confident in her decision to walk away.
There was a child that was brought into the world during this marriage....and that was a huge factor in what kept her in the marriage for as long as she stayed. But was she ever truly happy in that relationship? No. But she knew that walking away, ending that chapter, and starting new with her mini was the best choice for the both of them.
This new life brought so much change, and challenge, and fear. But she was walking through it. A new living situation (renting a three bedroom duplex that was way too expensive) and a new way of living as a single parent--sharing this little girl with a man that never had time for her before. It was scary.
As most newly single 30-somethings do....she started online dating. Do you even know what a shit show that can be?
Initially it felt invigorating! So many options opening up on the other side of that screen. Wow! Being wanted and desired is so cool! It gives this false sense of belonging...it is all fake.
No one was really worth mentioning, until she met him.
He presented himself as everything she ever wanted. He was attentive and understanding. He listened. He cared about her life and what was going on. He wanted to share everything with her. He made her feel important. He made her feel beautiful. He made her feel loved.
Let me tell you how he introduced himself: divorced dad with four children. Owned his home (even though it was is the middle of a huge renovation). Worked full time and made a decent salary. Owned his vehicle. In his divorce he lost a half million dollar home, and a business that made a million dollars a year....but he was rebuilding his life and offered so much promise. He wanted exactly what she wanted! They were both seeking for--and found their happily ever after.
She fell in love. And fast. But so did he. So he claims.
They fell quickly into a whirlwind romance. There were no awkward moments. Their time together was pure bliss. They both declared their love and committed to making this romance go for the long term. They would be combining families. Supporting each other through the hard times (and there were some hard times-or outside influences). This felt so right. So real.
The relationship "officially" began on October 28, 2017. Or that's when she started counting. He always said it was earlier. Nothing but love shared...she walked in to flower petals lining the floor in her town home after work. Flowers on the table every week. His love was so amazing and powerful. She never felt anything like it! This was the real thing! It just had to be! The children between the two of them were immediately brought into the relationship. Why not?! They knew this was going to be forever....why put this big step off for later when they knew what was going to come?
This whirlwind time of perfection and bliss was fast but felt so good. Good enough to wear the blinders and run with him.
She started seeing red flags flying in every direction....but she refused to believe it. She refused to believe that this amazing man that appeared in her life just a few weeks ago was anything but her soul mate. Her friends began feeling concerned. Trying to make her step back. Even her ex-husband reached out with concern for her and their daughter. But they didn't know what they were talking about. They didn't feel the love that was between them. They didn't understand the life connection that was made. They couldn't know....
SHE SHOULD HAVE TRUSTED HER GUT.
In the span of six weeks....this amazing romance crashed and burned. And she was the casualty.
Everything that she fought to become....
Everything that she was proud of....
Everything that she was....
Gone.
How do you even put into words the damage caused by a mentally ill man? How do you even explain the level of damage that is caused by mental, verbal and emotional abuse?
When the relationship started to deteriorate almost overnight, she was clinging to him. She was clinging to saving this relationship that they both committed to sharing-nurturing-building-loving. She was fighting for the promises that he made. The promises for their future. She told herself that this was worth fighting for. He was worth fighting for.
On December 12, 2017, the social media "Remember this day...." tells us that she posted:
"And she'll continue to smile no matter how hurt she is." She was hurting. He made her feel that hurt. His actions, behaviors. words made her feel this hurt.
What happened? How did this strong, confident woman fall so hard and so fast for a man that could shatter her so harshly and so quickly? He loved her, right?! He wouldn't intentionally hurt her!? She must have done something terribly wrong. She must not be loving him the right way. She has to fix it and fast.
She was a sitting duck for this monster of a man to seek/attack/kill.
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