Of all things in this life....playing the victim will get you nothing but more pain. Playing the victim allows you to stay in the cycle. Don't get me wrong....you do play the victim sometimes...it's human nature. And I have been guilty...but I am learning (through some intense weekly therapy) that playing the victim will never serve you well. It will never be a stepping stone out of this trap. So feel it, dust yourself off and GET UP.
I could easily blame him for all of this pain, loss, damage. Because let's face it.....he caused it. But I was not innocent. I walked, hand in hand, with him into this lion's den. I saw the flags, I refused to respect them or myself, and I walked in.
When the relationship hit its first crash and burn, I should have walked out. I should have known that this was not going well and gotten out.
So why did I stay? That is the million dollar question. Why. Did. I. Stay.
Like I mentioned before, I felt love for this man. I truly was in love with him. I believed that this was meant to be and anything worth having is not going to always be easy. So if one of us is struggling, the other one has to pull some extra weight. That's what it's about, right? Please never fall for this.
If someone is going through a tough time, sure, pull some extra weight. If someone is treating you like dog shit, let them go. I wish that I would have let him go.
God, I wish I had let him go. Why didn't I walk away?
Here I sit two years later. A broken woman. A woman who may never trust a man again. A woman who cringes at the thought of another relationship. A woman who cries every day over a loss....losing something she never even had. A woman who is in fear. Every single day there is fear. Why is there fear? Because I still have an unhealthy attachment to him.
I am still stuck in this cycle. I get nothing good from it. Not one thing. He benefits everything. And he keeps me just close enough to keep using me for his good.
So why is this blog even in existence? Because for me, writing is healing. Putting the facts of the situation in writing, in black and white, in front of me, may help me wake up.
I want to wake up. I want him to be a distant memory--or nightmare, as my mom calls it. I want him to be gone and not a part of my daily life.
But I continue to allow it. I DO THIS. I ALLOW HIM TO HURT ME. I am not playing the victim in this blog. I accept full responsibility for my situation. My current pain is because I allow him in to hurt me. This is not his problem, this is my problem.
And what will I do about it? I am working to stop. Nothing drastic. Nothing loud or obnoxious. Just to stop. To not text him, to not respond, to not go to his house, to not tell him about my day. Those are the behaviors, or physical actions, that have to stop. But the underlying issue is the feelings associated with those behaviors. I am now the proud owner of an anxiety disorder. I have a skewed sense of self worth that is now tied to him and his approval of me. My every moment is questioned. I wake up thinking about him and fall asleep thinking about him.
They say, whoever they is, that the physical part of the addiction is the easier part to break. It's the emotional part that will get ya. And that is so right. I have made it (and how sick that I call it "made it") three months without him. Without calling/texting/emailing. But all it took was him reaching out to me and I was right back in it. Damn it.
Everyone is tired of hearing me cry about what he did this time. "Why do you keep letting him do this to you?" Don't you think I would stop if I could? He tells me that I am the stupidest smart person he knows. Boy is he right.
I have lost so many friends because they just couldn't keep hearing it. I so wish I could stop living this. I want out. Please believe that I want out. I just don't know how.
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